Saturday, November 21, 2009

Ugly Legend

(DISCLAIMER: The following is the English approximation of an article which was originally published in the November 10th issue of Spa! Direct your disgust towards them. The only thing we're guilty of is not bringing it to you sooner!)

Weekly men’s entertainment magazine Spa! enlists the help of science to put an end to the age-old question: Why do so many white guys date fugly Japanese girls? Beginning with Yoko Ono, Westerners have continued to show a preference for women outside of the spectrum of beauty accepted by Japanese society as a whole. You know the type—Long, straight black hair, squinty eyes, flat face. Or maybe, as recent research suggests, you don’t know, hence the problem.
Ever wake up next to this?

Obviously there must be something wrong with the Gaijin brain that keeps them from being able to tell the difference between girls that look like living woodblock prints and CanCan models, so scientists ran two white dudes infamous for their questionable taste in women through an MRI-scan to check for loose wiring. The results? Our friendly foreigners showed lower brain activity than 70 year-old women!

"Journey inside the brains of the white men who love gross girls!"

Let's meet tonight's guinea pigs. Zidi from France is new to Japan and infamous in his circle of friends for picking up slags in Roppongi. We also have Phillip from England, who during his seven years in the country has grown out of the "so long as it's breathing" phase that seems to affect many foreigners. The MRIs will be conducted by PhD Hideo Nakajima.

The lack of activity in the occipital lobe, which controls visual processing and thus face recognition, would suggest that the two men’s brains lack the processing power to differentiate between butter faces and beautiful babies.

"His big honkey nose almost gets caught on the machine!"

Stepping off the plane for the first time, all Japanese look the same. The traditional image of Orientals with black hair and narrow eyes has been planted deep into the Western psyche by movies and other media. Men come to Japan with a permanent set of beer goggles, and the problem is intensified by this inexplicable sense of familiarity.

“Hey, I feel like I’ve seen you somewhere before…”

The part of the lobe that handles facial recognition is extremely active while we are young children but slows down as we age. Therefore we can conclude that Zidi, who dates ugly girls, has low brain activity because this region has yet to kick in, while Philip, who has since refined his taste in women, has low brain activity because it has been trained over the years and can now differentiate faces even from a state of rest.

Dr. Nakajima explains. “Monkeys all look the same at first, but after careful observation you can begin to see the small differences between them.” The aesthetic eye can be trained. There’s still hope! Your days of being ridiculed as “Beast Master” may soon be at an end.

He concludes, “It takes courage to walk outside with a skank on your arm. I’d like to do further research to see if the men’s brains are releasing serotonin—they’d have to be doped up to stay with these butter faces. But then again, if the find these girls pleasant enough company to release serotonin, then their brains must truly be broken.”


  1. big honkey

  2. This in no way explains how whenever I saw a head turning beauty in Japan she was permenantly transfixed to the arm of a handsome Japanese lad with a better fashion sense than I could ever hope to pay for.