Ken Shimura: Punisher Takes on Horror Classics

When I found these videos of Ken Shimura, renowned king of all things stupid, lampooning horror films a while back, I crammed them into our overflowing "stuff to subtitle" file. After a long period of procrastination consideration on how to translate the elegantly awful puns within the confines of a line or two on the bottom of the screen, I've come to the decision that it can't be done. Not without confusing everyone even more and leaving a million footnotes in my wake. If you want to know why something is supposed to be funny, ask in the comments.

Everyone who studies Japanese goes through several milestones that allow them to gauge their progress and give them the resolve to torture themselves with even more tedious kanji study. For many, the first comes when they go to video store and are able to read the katakana on the Akira box. Other examples include the first time you dream in Japanese, making it through a conversation without someone telling you how good your Japanese is, being able to order at a restaurant in Japan without pointing at the menu and smiling apologetically, or not having to look at the furigana while reading Ramenman manga.

Despite what anyone tells you, the ultimate affirmation of your Japanese skills is not passing JLPT Level One, but the ability to deliver brutal one-liners to the unsuspecting. Take my word for it; a nicely timed boke or tsukkomi will blow minds WAY more than reciting the onyomi of all 1850 jōyō kanji in order. A good gag shows not only a strong command of vocabulary and grammar, but also that you are hip to the culture (I'm not talking sushi and Mt. Fuji here) and are not a humorless prick. Like me, for suggesting that these skits are anything more than ultra-lame comedy. Enjoy, and let this be the next milestone on your path to owning the Japanese language!


Part One: Friday the 13th, The Exorcist



Part Two: Village of Eight Gravestones, Wolfman, Omen series, Alien

Suzy, Do You Know Anything About... Chirashi?

I'm back with some more chirashi scans. This time: Suspiria & Suspiria 2!

"When her ballet shoes were covered in red, Suzy realized she was as good as dead.
Whatever you do, DO NOT watch this alone!"

"This time, it's a promise... DO NOT watch this alone!"

Next time: Abominations of Nature edition!

Homeless Japanese Hold Blackface Michael Jackson Dance Party

The September issue of MADMAX Magazine contained a short article on, as the title suggests, a group of homeless men who dress up in Michael Jackson costumes and hold dance parties in Shinjuku's Chuo Park.

Thrilling! Say Beat It to your Bad Life!Japan's ongoing recession has left Shinjuku's Chuo park flooded with homeless. Our reporters happened to be interviewing three such homeless men in their fifties when word of Michael Jacksons's death came in.

When Michael fever was taking the world by storm twenty years ago, these men still had a respectable job and roof over their heads, rocking with the King of Pop every step of the way. They, too, once glittered like a rhinestone glove.

However, as if in response to the sudden drop in Michael's popularity, Japan's economic bubble, along with these men's lives, went POP! When the smoke cleared, they found themselves living on the streets.

"Michael's gone..." The stunned mourners decided then and there to fill the void MJ left behind. After they scrubbed the filth from their bodies and traded in their ragged clothes for flashy costumes, all it took was a little face paint to transform them into the Jackson Three. They just needed a dance floor to return to the days when they shimmered brighter than any disco ball!

The vigor of youth soon returned to their sweat-drenched faces as they cut a rug to all the Michael classics. "Now that we've come this far, there isn't anything we can't achieve!" The three have sworn to carry out Michael's comeback for him, dancing on as the King of Pop watches from his throne in heaven.

My first reaction to this was "Oh no! Blackface!" The story is actually kind of touching, though. 90% of me suspects that these dudes were just put up to this by MADMAX's staff, but 10% of me really wants to believe that they are legit.

If you go out to buy a copy of this for yourself, be forewarned that MADMAX's normal content involves yakuza killing reports, motorcycle gang interviews, hyper-violent manga and a ton of porn, not to mention 1000s of perverse advertisements that blow the porn out of the water. I may have to post some of them in the near future...

Chirashi of the Dead

From our personal collection, here are a couple vintage Japanese movie fliers for Romero's Dead series.

The graphic violence depicted on them must have been as shocking to people at that time as the fact that Japanese movie ticket prices haven't change at all since 1978 is to us now!

While Dawn of the Dead was just called Zombie here as it was in Europe, Day of the Dead got a much cooler name: Food for the Dead! The catch lines on these were beefed up for the Japanese market, too. The one on Dawn reads "Give us meat, YOUNG meat!" and Day says "The living have become prey to be hunted down and feasted upon by the returned dead."

More to come soon!